Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
