im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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