i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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