When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize