You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
