I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
