forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize