My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
