apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
