It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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