The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
