i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
