Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
