guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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