new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
