Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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