My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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