i love accidental penises.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
