he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
