I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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