i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
