just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
