we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
