Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize