So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
