remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
