that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
