Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Pants are for mortals
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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