Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
