Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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