Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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