As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
