So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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