Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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