I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize