I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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