did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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