i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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