well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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