i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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