I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
