I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
