she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
