So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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