Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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