I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize