ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
