He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
