what day is it and did you see me today?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize