I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
