So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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