My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
