Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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