drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
