i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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