Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I will be naked everywhere
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
