I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
