I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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