I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
