I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
