She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
