Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
